3rd June 2024, 10:30pm – Journal Entry #45

Mood: Irritated
Weather: 28Β°C, Clear
Location: Mont Fleuri, Mahe, Seychelles

I’m so tired of being treated like I’m people’s backup. Believe me, there is a reason why the only people I want to be around are my immediate family members. With them, I feel wanted and they make space for me at the dinner table because I’m an integral part of the unit. Over the years I’ve tried to phase out most of the friends I grew up with here in Seychelles because they were actually more of my sister’s friend than mine. This evening, my so-called BFF just turned on me.

A while ago I asked her if she wanted to go to Maldives with me, on a girl’s trip. I don’t really see Maldives as a “lovers” destination as I live in Seychelles and I have always found Seychelles to be a romantic place. Plus I have always gone to Maldives with my family so I see it more as a hangout place. She said she would feel bad because her husband has never been there and plus she’s never really had a proper honeymoon so she’d rather her first time to Maldives be with her husband. He’s part of her immediate family unit so I didn’t really think much of it, it was very understandable to me. She later suggested that we go to Shanghai and South Korea, and uses the phrase “you and me”, and that we could also spend that time catching up because we’ve been so busy with our own separate lives for decades, we could take the time to just hangout and explore the place.

I told her that I already have the US planned for next year, and that Shanghai doesn’t really appeal to me mainly because it’s not really new but if I can make it then I’ll accompany her. She’s been talking a lot about South Korea lately so I was really trying to fit it into my schedule for next year. This evening she sent me a message and this is how the convo went:

Her: When holiday maldives
Me: What do you mean
I just got back from there lol
Her: Lol
Ur always there 😜
Me: So we will need $5000 for the South Korea trip right
Her: Yes we need to wait and see cause i will have whole family in the end so we can have u to help with the kids lol
Me: Oh your whole family is also going?
Her: Yeah
Me: Ahhh ok
You should make it a family trip then πŸ˜‚
Her: If there are places we can go u and me lol
Leave [hubby] with the kids at hotel
Me: Nah but they will have to go see the places too lol
It’s fine, I’ll withdraw 🀣
Her: πŸ˜”
[Hubby] seems not to happy to let me go places alone lol

Throughout my life, minus my first boyfriend, I’ve always felt like everyone else’s backup plan. The part above where I’ve italicized is the part that I find offensive. I don’t know if I’ve misunderstood that sentence, but to me it reads like my purpose there is to be some kind of babysitter. I’m really hoping that she was either drinking when she typed that to me or she didn’t phrase it properly.

Yesterday when I was at my mother’s place my sister made a joke about wanting to be in an arranged marriage. My mother then said [me] doesn’t want to get married. I didn’t respond. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that we were all raised believing that it’s something we need to do. I’ve always wanted to be a married person, but my experience in all the relationships I’ve been in was all absolutely horrible:

The first bf was delusional and a pathological liar. The second guy kept wondering if I was using him to get a green card (wtf?!) wanted so badly to have kids but struggled to take care of himself, the 3rd one was a narcissist. I don’t even need to mention all the other guys in between, it’s just one mistake after another. I’m attracted to broken people, so I really don’t trust myself at all when it comes to who I pick. Whenever I have a bunch of guys asking me out at the same time, I really know how to pick the wrong one from a lineup.

I’ve lost hope with men and today I’ve lost hope with friends. They only look for their friends when their partners can’t make it. You spend every single day of the past 15 years with your husband, you will be spending the rest of your life with him and your children, you mean to tell me your supposed “best friend” isn’t even worth 1 week of your life? I truly admire my older siblings. They prioritize their children and family, as one should – but they always make time for their close friends, as one should.

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