Mood: Down 
Vaping: Vozol 12000 Puffs Cool Mint
I haven’t felt this low in a long time. This morning I literally woke up with nicotine withdrawal symptoms: hitting depression, irritability and a headache. I took 50mg sumatriptan about an hour and a half ago so I’m alright now. The vape is at 0% but for some reason it’s still giving a little and I take what I can get. I placed an order for more vape but the guy can only deliver on Monday so I guess I’ll have to deal with this situation for another day. I guess I’m just not ready to give it up for a few days. I woke up feeling really down because I’ve been back here in Seychelles for close to 5 years already and I don’t feel as though my life has changed at all. In fact, how much has my life changed before and after I was 20? Everyone’s life has changed so much, I can see their lives change. Mine has remained the same, nothing more and nothing less which is a good thing and also a bad thing in some ways.
There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to live in Seychelles anymore. How feasible is it to have a business here but live somewhere else? I’m just not like people here, I will forever feel like a foreigner in this country. Do I really want to settle down and retire in a country where I feel like a foreigner? I go between thinking I’m really close to retirement and my life is almost over to thinking I still have time to start over. I need to do something new, something that gets me out of the house until I’m fed up and want to stay indoors again. For now I feel as though my hands are tied, anything we earn goes back to the business. You keep wanting your business to do well so the behaviour works that way, but what is in it for me? I feel like we are earning just to survive. I don’t get to spend money on bigger things like my own place or my own car. I am 41 and I don’t even own my own place nor do I own a car. I feel so unaccomplished. My mother spent her 40s expecting she will “eventually” do better. She will be turning 68 next month and she is still convinced that things are going to get better. I don’t want to spend the next 2 decades (if I’m that lucky to have even 2 more) hoping that things will get better with each year.
20 years ago I fell in love. 10 years ago I was preparing to marry that guy. It’s like you have a dream that was finally coming true. I had him next to me every single day and he was amazing. But having what I wanted didn’t make me happy so I knew something had to change. Here we are 10 years later and I don’t regret that decision. I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I proceeded with that decision. Would we still be together, would we have had children together, would we have been happy? The day I told him I felt “suicidal” and he just kept silent for a few seconds and then chose to ignore what I had just said, I knew I was making the right decision to choose myself. A breakup is never easy but it does get easier when you remember that you have other things that make you happy. I think it’s time I started dating again. I haven’t been in a relationship for 2 years, mainly because he and I were still talking and seeing each other on and off until the end of last year. It’s always good to have a fresh reminder of how horrible things are for me whenever I’m in a relationship so I can appreciate the single life.
I thought I’d write down my thoughts today, instead of just skipping right through to simply what happened today. I think I need to get a car. It would help me a lot if I want to do volunteer work, which I do. It would also help me meet people who share common interests of wanting to do good. I’m sure there are places that would appreciate the small support.
I had edamame again for lunch, a larger portion than I normally have. I was going through my stuff – I have so much stuff! Sorting out things I need to throw away, give away or keep. I found this:
I bought this Wicca book 2 years ago as a Christmas gift to myself. I haven’t even opened it, so I don’t actually know what the contents say. It’s supposed to be something positive like white magic. I’ll probably just browse through the book and then donate it.
Went to Spar supermarket to buy canola oil. I have not been enjoying my daily decaf tea lately because the soy milk that I normally add to my tea have somehow disappeared off the shelves. This is the frustrating thing about living in Seychelles – you find something you like then the wholesalers stop importing the items. We develop this habit of stocking up whenever we find something we actually like. I’m almost out of edamame, and it will not surprise me one bit if ISPC does not restock this for a while. One would expect retailers to quickly restock their inventory if items are flying off the shelves but I guess it’s more complicated than I think. So anyway, I’m now trying to make my own oat milk. I tried making soy milk but it just doesn’t taste as good. I will have to persevere though, because I do like a well-made soy milk. Canola oil is a recommended ingredient to “barista oat milk” so I thought I’d just get some. The fact that it is high in omega 3 is also a good thing.
My sister and I then went to my mum’s place (again) to visit her. She went out last night so initially I didn’t want to disturb her thinking she’s probably nursing a hangover but she told us to come by anyway. We brought her a frozen pizza and we bought ourselves Fry’s mushroom pie which we hadn’t tried until today. It tasted alright, more like a pie with creamy mushroom soup in it. I didn’t eat the top part of the puff pastry, it’s unnecessary calories.
