Mood: Calm 
Drinking: Vida Sakura Sparkling Flavoured Drink Zero Calories
Vaping: Vozol 12000 Puffs Cool Mint
My vape is at 0%, I don’t know how it’s still working. I haven’t ordered a new one, I figure I’ll give my teeth a bit of a break from the nicotine before I order another one. I don’t know what flavour to go with. Was talking to a friend of mine earlier who also vapes, he’s into grape ice which for some reason I’m just not into. I don’t understand men’s fascination with grape flavoured vapes. I placed another cool mint flavour in my cart, and I’ll probably get 600 puffs pink lemonade because I’m curious about what kind of taste it gives off.
I was just talking to my sister about journaling my daily lunch and how I it’s got to this point of being a bit sad. For lunch I had boiled edamame – again! As well as another half of an avocado with golden syrup – again! My sister asked me if I’m tired of edamame yet because it is typical of me to get tired of everything , I go all in too quickly, buy a whole lot of the same things and then end up wasting everything because I tire of them. But this time I haven’t. I still enjoy the edamame I’ve been eating daily for weeks now. My only issue with it is the portion. I wish I could eat a whole bucket full of it. I totally recommend the avocado with golden syrup thing btw.
I’m still uploading images from my hard drive to the cloud. It’s amazing how much time it takes to organize my folders. Today I landed on images taken in 2019 and 2020, this was during the pandemic. I came across my cat Bubbles, he died early July 2020. My heart was broken that day. Prior to that the vet kept telling us that he’ll be okay, but that his recovery is a bit slow. She then extended his stay to one more day because she wanted to keep him in for further observation. The following morning my sister calls me and she was hysterical, telling me “Bubbles is dead”. I was angry at the vet for misleading me into thinking he was going to recover. How does a vet not know that a cat’s vitals are down, there is no progress and that there is a chance he won’t make it? It took me a while to find it in me to let go of the anger, for whatever reason they did not notice, the did not know or they were optimistic and as a result we had no time to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for this, resulting in some level of trauma. Here’s an old picture of Bubbles, taken in June 2020 (about 1 month before his death):
Thyl hated him so much because he was so playful, rough and energetic. I often felt sorry for her that she had to deal with the constant bullying on a daily basis. But he was my big boy and I suppose they were forced to get along. Thyl hates other cats, she’s just one of those types that enjoys being next to her human and nobody else.
I don’t know where she gets these scratches that pluck out her fur, they’re either self-inflected or she fought with Thomas. The fur then takes forever to grow back. The one she has near her eyes has been that way for years so I expect the fur in that area will never grow back. Thyl is 13 going on 14 this year. Today I noticed she was peeing in my laundry. So I dragged one of the litter boxes from the balcony (we have 3) to my bedroom. She still used the one in the balcony to poop. So I’ve dragged the box back outside because the “fumes” from the urine and excrement isn’t healthy and should not be placed in the bedroom! She has anxiety and doesn’t like being around Thomas. But as Thomas enjoys hanging out in the balcony where he can bask in the sun, it’s a difficult situation to maneuver, there is no workaround.
Went by my mother’s place again this evening to drop off some brass ornaments she kept with me. I was supposed to clean it but the Brasso cannister we have smells too pungent even for me, so I just dropped the idea and returned the dusty ornaments – oops. Cleaning is just one of those things I would pay for someone else to do.
I feel very distant from Buddhism at the moment, I can’t feel my emotions much. I mean it’s there, but not as intense as I would like it to be for me to really feel it. I purchased my vape because I had a hard time feeling such intense emotions and the purpose of the vape really worked! The vape helps to “dilute” the intensity of my thoughts. My rationale for vaping is “sometimes what kills my body heals my mind.”
My period was quite heavy today. The interesting thing about progestin-induced periods is that it’s not like the regular ones I used to get before menopause. The heavy days is heavy but not as heavy as before, and by tomorrow the intensity will be cut in half. By the 3rd or 4th day it’s already extremely light. Before menopause I used to have 2 heavy days, 1 “regular” day and then it will be lighter on the 4th day.